What do i want?

What do i want?

A job ad came out today.

The job that she had.

A job that i want.

But i don't want her job. I want to work with her.

I don't know if after seeing what she went through, whether i could even do it. I probably could do the work, but the stress and the everything that came with it, i don't know if i could handle it as much as she did.

It is a job that i would like to do.

The negatives are always on my mind though.

I don't like the remaining people in that team. I don't know if i could work with them.
It would be more ME then US, but there would still be an US.

I wasn't good enough last time i tried to be a part of that team, and it nearly killed me.
I don't know if i could even think about going through that again.

In my mind, it seems like I'm trying to be her. I don't know if people think that, but we were similar, and now, if i got it, i would just be slotted in.

It seems lonely. In my role currently, i have frustrations, but i also have people who i can rant to, and they get it. There i would be alone.


But then there are positives.

I would have some control over what people know.
In my current role, i don't have that, and it is the most frustrating thing.

I would be in a better job. A job that is easier to explain when people ask, and a generally better job.

I would not be where i am.
I would be able to start and finish work when i needed to. No more sitting around with no work for 3 hours just cause i had to be here.
I would not just be wasting away my knowledge while I'm stuck in a job i have had for 4 years.

I would be DOING SOMETHING WORTHWHILE.


But i don't know what i want.

Do i really really want this?
I wanted it before, but is it what i want now?