Tegan Lane

If you don't know this story, check out here first.

It's a terrible story. Honestly.
But I'm fascinated. A lot.
I like things like this.
Murder and rape and torture and intrigue.
It's terrible to have to explain to people about the books I'm reading --of which this is probably the most "tame"--

There is no good way for this story to turn out.
But no one is talking.

Either she had this poor child and killed/murdered/"got rid of" her, and deserves to be locked up,
OR
She gave this poor child up, to someone. And she is being put away for something she didn't do.

I'm fascinated.

What makes someone do this?
What makes someone have *several* abortions in her teens/early twenties?
What makes someone think that she can become pregnant and not tell the fathers?
What makes someone give 2 beautiful babies up for adoption with no regard for the Childs or the fathers choice of knowing? **I think the fathers and adopted kids know of and have met each other but don't quote me**
What makes someone keep this all a secret?
What kind of pressure did she have on her?
What kind of pressure did she put on herself?
What if Tegan is out there wondering?
IF Tegan is out there, is she ok?
Is her family keeping her a secret? .
IF she is out there, what makes a family keep this a secret and allows someone to be put away for a long time for something they didn't do?

Like I said,
I'm fascinated.

Bored... With life?

I don't know what it is at the moment. But, I'm bored.
A lot.
With everything.
I go to work and I'm bored.
Not because the work is boring (although sometimes it is).
But because I'm bored with what I'm doing.
I try and distract myself and read the news, but nope.
Halfway through whatever article I read, over it.
I come home and am bored.
I watch some of my favourite tv and I can't watch it without doing something else as well.
And even then, bored.
I'm bored listening to my favourite music.
I'm bored cleaning my house.
I even went shopping the other day.
Shoe shopping.
Bored.
I didn't even end up buying myself any shoes! (and I actually really need them).
I can't even read a whole blog post from my favourite writers!

I just dont know what is wrong with me.

Little (or not so little) letters

Dear person whom I'm no longer in touch with because of someone else choice.
I miss you.
I miss your kids.
I'm sad that I've missed them growing cause someone else's choice. The choice wasn't bad, but the consequences of that choice in relation to you and your wonderful little family to me, kinda sucks.
We gotta catch up.
Ps. Sometimes I 'stalk' you on facebook and am so proud of you and everything that you have done since then.

Dear house, (mine not the doctor)
I really like you, but one thing. 7am (or earlier) is not a good time to be waking me up. I know, I know, you have no control over the sun, but when it comes blazing in (even with blinds closed) that falls to you house. Also, when I'm walking around in my underwear and have forgotten to close the blinds, can you do something so the neighbours don't see? Thanks house.

Dear dryer (and washer to some extent),
So I know I lose a lot of hair. I know it's cause I don't brush it. **NOTE: I DO wash it, it's totally clean, so stop thinking I'm gross** but really d&w, it makes me dry retch when I go to put clothes on straight from you both when they are at their best and I find hair.
Not just a strand but a whole chunker. Seriously, I already have to clean the lint thingy, can't you catch it all in there?

Dear people who live on my level,
I know it's hard to read the 5 or so signs in the garbage room, and even harder to actually follow them, but it's gross when you don't put your rubbish in the garbage shoot.
It's even worse when you put it in the recycling or even JUST ON THE FLOOR. Really, I know that the shoot is turned off sometimes, but that just means you have to take your TIED bag back home and wait like 30 mins. So please stop it. The husband gets cross every time he takes the rubbish out and I think soon it will fall to me and I don't want it.

Dear people who ride scooters who are no longer at school,
Really?

Dear people who cross when the man says don't walk,
All it takes is two minutes, either two minutes waiting and your fine or two minutes and BAM something hits you. I know what's it's like and it isn't as fun as it seems. Trust me, all you will end up with is a scar on your head and never being able to do your hair right cos of it.

Dear new person in my team,
You are new. Probably not the best to come in all arrogant and acting like you can work harder and do more then the people already in the team when you have no experience whatsoever in what we do. Also, even though you cant do much right now, going on endless breaks? Not a good idea. Just a heads up, you are new and your attitude, it's putting people offside. Not the best way to start.

Dear customers who fax stuff to my company,
I appreciate you. I really value you as customers but, please just give me one day where we are up to date with the hundreds of faxes that we receive. I was totally being sincere with the first part of appreciating and valuing you, honest.

Dear my dear friend Balamino,
Congratulations for Sunday (or Monday here). I know you picked right and even though I haven't met him, I know your life will be filled with joy and his life will be better for having you in it. I still want you to come over and visit soon though.

Dear 'promoter' who I used to work with,
STOP INVITING ME TO YOUR STUPID EVENTS!! I will NEVER go to one. Ever.
Just stop it.

Dear mislabelled size 6 jeans,
I assume you were mislabelled, cause my behind is not that small, but thank you. Every time i wear you, you make me feel good cause I'm in a size 6!!
Ps. That's like a size 2 in US people.

25. Plus some.

So.
Facebook.
Great for stalking.
Annoying for silly silly games.
Great for stalking.
Annoying for random work people adding me.
Great for stalking.
Anyway.
So i did this 25 things thing a little while ago, and i thought i would look over it again. Some of the things, i still agree with. Some have changed. Others i have added to.


**By the by, i know that this is more then 25, but i started this list on my phone and kept adding. I ended up just picking 25 and posting them, but this is my blog, so i make the rules**

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

25.

1. I have the same middle name as most of the females in my family and I love that if I ever changed my surname to my husbands, I'll still have that.

2. I feel like I have no direction in my life and I love and hate it at the same time. I also haven't got any of those great life plans that people talk about. At the moment, I think I'm hating that. It doesn't give me much to strive for or look forward to. I think i might have some idea of what i want. Not going to share it yet though

3. I sometimes wish I could turn back time to when I didn't have a worry or stress, but then I wouldn't be who I am. I also have trouble finding a time like that.

4. I would do anything in the world for my family, including die for them. If anything happened to any of them, it would break my heart.

5. Re: 4, I think dying in place for someone is rather selfish though.
Think about it, if they are THAT important to you, you must be to them, and if you can't live without them, how could you make them live without you. That said, I would still do it if need be.

6. My favourite colour is pink and although it doesn't seem like it, I like girly dresses, although I'm too insecure about my legs to wear them.

7. I think I know too much about somethings and not enough about others, I wish that the ratio was more even, then I wouldn't be as frustrated/ confused all the time.

8. I believe I have a mild case of OCD. I can't help it, If I need to do something, I need to do it then and do it right according to me.
And if someone else tries to help and does it different, watch out. Working on this one. I'm allowing myself to make more mistakes and changes. Its hard though.

9. I like reading true crime. Mostly child abuse. Not because I'm sick, but because it makes me feel less guilty about my life and more guilty at the same time. I can't explain it, but it's good, I think.

10. Contrary to most peoples belief, I'm really not a bitch, I think it related back to point 8. Although, I do have bad days.

11. I have a bad case of FOMO. I think I have had it all my life, (only it was nameless until recently) and I think it will continue forever.

12. I'm not afraid of dying, but I am afraid about the after ness of dying. What happens if everyone is wrong? (ps. I don't mean to offend anyone with that point.)

13. When ever I listen to music out in public, I always think people can hear it and are judging me on it.

14.I hate when I have to repeat myself. If I'm making the effort to tell you something, you can at least make the effort to listen! Oh my gosh, I hate it.
14.5. I also hate bring questioned when I am asked to help. If you don't like my answer, fine, but don't question me. You asked for MY help.

15. I hold grudges. It doesn't matter how stupid you think I'm being, if I'm crossed, I will hold it up on you, until I lose the motivation or energy to hold it anymore. I can't help it, so sorry in advance. Oh and if I'm told I'm being stupid because of it or the reason is stupid, it will just make it last longer... So probably don't. ; p

16. Re: 15. I'm stubborn. Don't try and change my mind or tell me I'm wrong, it won't work.

17. I like acknowledgement. Selfish probably, but something as simple as a thanks or appreciate it, is enough. I use it as motivation. If I don't get enough, I stop. I think I give it back, let me know if I don't though.I can never accept it though. I always always always just palm it off, in the nicest possible way.

18. Although I'm good at hiding it, (at least I think I am anyway) I am very emotional. Ps. Angry = not an emotion. That's just everyday. ; ) I also care too much about most things.

19. I love love love SLEEP! I could sleep all day, but then I get cross at myself for wasting the day, so I really can't win.

20. I though it would be easier to think of 25 things....

21. It takes a bit to earn my respect, but once you have it, unless you cross me, I will respect you 100%.

22. I wish I was more brave.

23. I moved into my house a few months ago and there are still things to unpack. Some people would blame this on laziness, I blame time and storage space. Do we have any volunteers to do for me? So i was talking about my old house when i posted this the first time, but now a month after moving, same thing. Lets boxes though.

24. If I won the lotto, I think I would only keep enough to pay off my debts/bills, the rest I would give to family then friends.

25. I could spend hours on facebook, stalking everyone I know and then people they know. I think I have a problem of needing to know everything about everyone. I also want to point out, I CAN NOT stand it when people use text speak or misspellings in status updates.
Nothing bugs me more. I blame the OCD.

26. I feel like I'm always putting others before myself.

27. I hate being late, to anywhere.

29. I hate having hair on my clothes, it's the most annoying thing when I can feel it but can't see it.

30. I hate when people do accents. Just hate it. Esp when they are not good at them. Im ok if you HAVE an accent, but if you put one on, my gosh. You may not think you sound bad, but just stop.

31. My phone is ALWAYS on silent. Not because it has to be, but because I can't stand ring tones, any ringtones at all. So if you call and I miss it, the reason is cause I didn't hear/see my phone, not that I'm ignoring you. Although sometimes it is. ; p

32. I need noise to sleep. Although sometimes the noise keeps me awake for longer then I should be awake too...

33. I set 5 alarms to get up. Starting an hour before I have to and in 15 min intervals, that way when I really really have to get up I'm already semi awake and it's not as difficult to get up.

What do i want?

What do i want?

I ask myself this sometimes, and i never have an answer.
I'm not talking about wanting to have that thing in that shop, or have never ending amount of money.
I'm talking about life.
What do i want out of my life?

I don't know what i want.
I don't know what i want with my career, i don't know what i want in my house, or even what kind of house i want.
I don't know where i REALLY want to live.
I don't know whether i want to own my house or rent forever.
I don't know if i want to go and live overseas away from my family or close enough to them to see them every day.
I don't know if i want to live pay check to pay check or have spare money at the end of the week to save.
I don't know if i should be happy about how i live or if I'm not normal.
Sometimes i don't even know what happy is.
I don't know if i want to be a worker for the rest of my life or if i would make a better stay at home mum.

I know the 'proper' answers to these questions.
I know what people 'should' do.

But i don't know what i want.

Sometimes this scares me. Most of the time.

But i don't know what i can do about it.

Changes

A bunch of stuff has been going on in my life at the moment.
So much, that i haven't blogged, just cause i haven't had time to think about what has happened in my day and put it into words.

On the home front, random people have been in my house and i don't know when i will have to move.
Yesterday, the husband noticed a sign out the front of our building about 2 rentals available here. One was fully furnished, (seriously, who the heck wants to use furniture that others have used? Imagine what you do with/on your furniture and using the same as others. Its just gross.), so we skipped that.
But one was not, so we looked. We love our building. I love the area a LOT. I don't want to move, and if an apartment is available in the same building, how much easier would it be to move?!? (yes, laziness plays a major part!;) )
The one we looked at, is bigger then our apartment and $80 more expensive (a week), but looking at the extra space, (and bigger balcony, and convenience), it IS worth it.

Then, we were thinking about travel and how much it costs to get to work, and with the changes with work -keep reading, I'll explain- it will end up costing us more.

We upped our maximum price (not super happy about that was hoping to go lower and have more savings), and found two AMAZING places in the city city, that i would love to live at. More convenient for travel and living, since we go to the city most weekends anyway.

So, we'll have to arrange viewings and get our bond arranged and all fun moving things like that... and then hopefully, we will have a new house in the next month or so.

Oh and PS. I don't think that staying is an option esp if the real estate will be the same. He is a jerk and we don't want to deal with him anymore. Ever.

Now, the work front. Sigh.

Been at my job for almost 6 years. (Rounding up here, it will be 6 years in July). Longer then my boss, his boss and his boss. Longer then a lot of people who are still working here.
I admit, i don't always love my job. Sometimes i HATE it. Sometimes i wake up and don't want to go to work. But doesn't everyone?
My work is moving, as in the people in my department and most of the other departments. We are moving locations and management, i guess? I don't really know if that's what it is, but i don't know if that matters a bunch.

Anyway, in the movement, our job descriptions change. Which mean our pay changes. Which seems like a good thing, right? Nope.
To be honest, i can start again at another company and be on more then what I'm on now AND what i will be on.

And i don't mean to sound ungrateful, cause that's not what it is about.

But compare my 6 (almost) years experience with the two others in my team. These two have been with the company for 2 and 3 years.
They regularly questions policies and processes that they should (in our role) know about.
I am (on more then one occasion) asked to help out our knowledge team to write up processes and clarify the information that they have. I'm currently helping them now.

That's gotta tell you something about my knowledge and experience right?

My wage, got changed to the minimum for my section, the same as the other two in my team.
To me, that tells me that i should start looking for a new job.

So i don't know where i am, or should be at the moment.
I don't know what i want.

I have looked at a complete career change, like a cop or something like that, but firstly, im unfit, so unfit, and second, I'm scared.
I like where i am, I'm comfortable. I don't deal with change well.

So we'll see, where i go.
We'll see if my company thinks I'm worth more.
We'll see if we get the apartment we want.
We'll see if i have to start job searching for serious, again.
We'll see.



The lump loves the worry inside the resident food.

Do not call...

So i left my phone at home today.
Not on purpose, cause how the heck would i live without it, right?
I don't even know how i left it at home, just that i realized when i was at the station and although my house is only about a 5 min walk away, i was early and i like being early. (And I'm lazy, lets be honest.)

Anyway... i left it at home.

I have an iPhone, so i not only left my phone at home, i left my Internet and entertainment at home.
I use my phone a LOT at work. We don't have proper Internet, so all the good things, i get to use my phone for.
And after about an hour, all my work is generally done, so i play on it all of the day.

I'm kinda addicted to it. I don't know what the word is for iPhones, (like crackberry), but whatever it is, GIMME GIMME GIMME.

Today, i was reaching where i usually keep all day long. Seriously.

But i realized what i was missing out on instead.

I read my book that i have been trying to finish for a little while. I finished it.
I actually read the newspaper instead of skimming through it.
On the train to work, i actually looked around me outside and i like my city. I travel over the bridge, past the opera house and Luna park every day and never really notice them. I really like them all.

My day went longer, (or it felt longer), but i felt like i was actually there.

I know it seems strange that not having my phone can make me feel like all this, but it does.

Even though it connects me to so much, it also disconnects me more i think.

I may not leave it at home again, but i will maybe leave it in my bag, so my laziness will slow me down from using it instead of living.

Oh, ps. I still had Blogger, cause i demanded someone open it for me, but almost no one posted today. It was odd.

Never have I ever....

Y'all know the drinking game, right?
Well, I'm gonna share things here, as if i was drinking, and you all can join in in the comments, if you like.

Never have i ever, gone skinny dipping.

Never have i ever, gotten drunk in a public place. (friends houses don't count).

Never have i ever, quit a job.

Never have i ever, gotten so drunk i don't remember what happened the night before.

Never have i ever, gone surfing.

Never have i ever, had a one night stand.

Never have i ever, trashed a hotel room.

Never have i ever, stolen a car.

Never have i ever, spray painted...anything.

Never have i ever, broke a heel.

Never have i ever, shaved my head. (although i would like to, just to do it).

Never have i ever, stolen something more then $2.

Never have i ever, shot a gun. (i have loaded one though).

Never have i ever, gone shopping and spent more then $1000 in one day on just me. (would LOVE to, though).

Never have i ever, danced in public.

Never have i ever, gone to a strip club, (in the country i live in).

Never have i ever, traveled to the other side of the country.

Never have i ever, wore tights as pants in public.

Never have i ever, slept on the streets for even one night.

Never have i ever, crashed a car. (been in car crashes, but not as a driver).

Now, how many drinks would you all have taken from mine?
And also, share please. I would like some drinks too. ;)

PS. Today is Australia Day and while i am at work and not drinking and BBQing, (how we celebrate), this is my contribution.

Destiny

I got a call yesterday.
It was a blocked number and I have had issues in the past about them, so I didn't answer.
They left a vmail.
I don't usually listen to them either, cause why not just MSG me?
But I did.
It was for a job.
A new job with a new company.
A job I applied for so long ago, that I don't even remember what it was about.

Can anyone tell me what a 'client services' person do?
When I googled it, it was all craziness that I would not have applied to do....

Anyway, it made me think really hard.
About what I want.
About what I need.
Spoke to the husband, and decided I would call them back.
So I called.
Got the damn voicemail.
But I left a msg.
It was scary.
I don't like change and this would be starting all over again.
Waiting on a call back.
Don't think it's likely in this GFC, job craziness that I'll get a call back AGAIN.
But we'll see.
Still think I'm gonna apply for the role here too though.
Just to see.
I don't have my heart set on it and I think if I don't get it, it'll be OK.
Cause even if I don't get a call back from this new company lady, I know there are other options.
And that's good for now.

I think that God or Buddha or Mohammad, or fate saw me freaking out and wanted me to not anymore.
I think I'm OK with that.

This post helped me too. (except not the baseball part).

Music I heart.

So i have this thing on my phone that if i hear a song, it can tell me the name of the song, and the singer.

I listen to music all day at work, and USUALLY its kinda crappy music. But occasionally something awesome comes on, and i just need to know what it is.

Then i try and make my husband buy it for me to listen to. That part doesn't always work though.

I thought i would share my awesome music taste with everyone.

So enjoy!!

Bad Things ~ Jace Everitt

Not only is this song awesome, but it starts at the beginning of an AMAZING show*.

The Times They Are A Changin' ~ Bob Dylan

I tried to find the clip that was played at the beginning of WatchMen, but they were all not embedded.

Here It Goes Again ~ Ok Go

MOST AWESOME FILM CLIP EVER.

Song is pretty good too.

Lola-The Kinks

*Top Of The Pops-70s*

I love that this clip was filmed before i was born.

When i first heard The Kinks, i thought they were a new band with an old sound, but then i found out who they were and were glad.

Kinda.

So Human ~ Lady Sovereign

I'm not a dancer, but this sound

just makes me move.

Although, i usually just do it in my head.

Rain On Your Parade ~ Duffy

(Live from Webster Hall in NYC)

I love her voice. Although i do think

she looks like she got smacked in the mouth.

"Carry On Wayward Son" ~ Kansas

I admit. My love for this song started from

Supernatural

Tiny Dancer ~ Elton John

Almost Famous

I had to use this video. Just HAD to.

Points Of Authority/99 Problems/One Step Closer ~ Linkin Park & Jay-Z

I love 99 problems, but I LOVE the two as one.

Fight For Your Right to Party ~ Beastie Boys

Who doesn't love some good old Beastie Boys?

Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes

I know that The Who sang the original,

but i like this one.

There was gonna be 12 songs here, but Regina Spektor is not being friendly, so here is the link to her song that i like.

It really is quite good too.