Tegan Lane

If you don't know this story, check out here first.

It's a terrible story. Honestly.
But I'm fascinated. A lot.
I like things like this.
Murder and rape and torture and intrigue.
It's terrible to have to explain to people about the books I'm reading --of which this is probably the most "tame"--

There is no good way for this story to turn out.
But no one is talking.

Either she had this poor child and killed/murdered/"got rid of" her, and deserves to be locked up,
OR
She gave this poor child up, to someone. And she is being put away for something she didn't do.

I'm fascinated.

What makes someone do this?
What makes someone have *several* abortions in her teens/early twenties?
What makes someone think that she can become pregnant and not tell the fathers?
What makes someone give 2 beautiful babies up for adoption with no regard for the Childs or the fathers choice of knowing? **I think the fathers and adopted kids know of and have met each other but don't quote me**
What makes someone keep this all a secret?
What kind of pressure did she have on her?
What kind of pressure did she put on herself?
What if Tegan is out there wondering?
IF Tegan is out there, is she ok?
Is her family keeping her a secret? .
IF she is out there, what makes a family keep this a secret and allows someone to be put away for a long time for something they didn't do?

Like I said,
I'm fascinated.

So...

**I apologize in advance for the mess that this post is going to be, but welcome to my brain at the moment**


Stuff is happening on the working front.
I dunno if its good stuff.
I hope its good stuff, but it has to be secret stuff for the moment.
At least until Tuesday.
Then i hope i will be happy.
I hope.
A lot.
A lot a lot.
Basically put it this way, if you are the praying type, please keep me in your thoughts.
I wouldn't normally ask, and I'm not being selfish, trust me. Trust me, I'm not.
I don't want to share just yet, but I may after Tuesday.


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In other news, hopefully in June, i will have paid a heap onto one of my credit cards, and it will be nearly gone.
People, this just leaves 2 left (not including the husbands one).
I would've paid more then half my debt off!!
(**Note** This relates to the work thing, so hopefully, hopefully this is still feasible.


-------------------


Ever had bed bugs?
I have. In my old, old, old house, and it was terrible.
Ever had chicken pox?
I have. Twice. It was just as awesome.
Now, i have neither of those right now, but I have the same annoyance in being itchy.
Ever had to use Aristocort?
I am now.
I have no idea what it's supposed to do, except make me stop scratching myself in my sleep to the point of bleeding - no, I'm not kidding or over exaggerating - but I'm not sure its working yet. If any of you out there have any encouragement with this, i would really love it.
To be honest, i just want to wake up with no more random scratches on me. :(


------------------------


It was my grandmas birthday last week.
My dads mum.
My dads dad passed away a lot time ago. Maybe 8 years ago.
My grandmas tough. And strong. And great.
I love my dads family. Mostly.
A lot.
I love that i happened to have a day off, so that i could spend the day (or part of it) with her and them.
She turned 80, or 78 or 74.
No one was really sure. Including her, mostly.
My grandma said her birth certificate says she was 80, but my dad and his brother, (my uncle) both said differently.
I love that that part of my family can spend the day insulting each other and that is love.
Love.
I love that we are drink (mostly) and have tattoos (mostly) and are all about the kids.
I realised that day that my dad wants to be a grandfather.
Or at least his face says he does.
My cousin had her (younger then 1) baby, and his face showed that he wanted to hold the baby, but the girls and the gays were always the first the baby went to.
But when dad held him, my gosh, his face changed.
It makes me sad that i can't give that to him now.
But not yet. Maybe soon. But that's all reliant on the first thing i wrote about...
Gosh, i love days spent with my family.





Now, I must go to bed, even though its only 10, and even though the husband is out partying, cause even though its Saturday tomorrow (oh! and the world is going to end...) i have work.
Its actually only my Tuesday today. Sigh.

I don't get it....

This post will probably bring disgust and shame on you and all the other stuff, but I need to say it somewhere and no one is allowing me to IRL.

I don't get it.

I think that Obama is great (although not MY president, (cause I'm obviously not in the US, not because I wouldn't choose him) so my opinion is only based on what I see and not how it affects me), and I think that a lot of what he does our PM would like to be there with him.
But I don't get it.

He killed (or arranged the killing cause he didn't exactly do it himself, now) of Osama. And that's great.

But.... It doesn't end the wars.
It doesn't bring our soldiers (ALL our soldiers, not just the US troops he was referring to in his speech), home. It doesn't make them safe where they are. And to be honest, it doesn't exactly make us safe at home here either.

I think it actually kinda makes it worse.

Won't his underlings want to step up? Won't they want to avenge his death? Won't that (possibly) cause more fear?

I didn't understand the dancing in the streets that was going in the US when it was announced.
Yes, he was the 'mastermind', but he was still only one man.
His death doesn't automatically stop all the fear and craziness in the world.

Did it work with Saddam?

Now, I'm not the most religious person (anymore) but I have a lot of Christian friends and yesterday, I counted 1, just 1 person who wasn't delighted at the death of another person.
Again, I do understand who he is, but he is still just ONE man.


My friend posted this:



And this



And she was alone in this thinking.

Or at least fb status wise.

I just don't get it.

**please note: the reason I wasn't 'allowed' to say this IRL was because people had different opinions to me and weren't allowing me to express mine. I don't mind if you have a different opinion, we aren't robots for gosh sakes, but please don't disallow other opinions also**

Oh, ps. Was it grand or was it grand that he interrupted The Apprentice. Te he he he.

Realisations

**Please note, I was awake til about 5am last night *and may have had a lot to drink* and its now 8am, i don't know why my body hates sleep today, all i know is that it does, let me apologize in advance**

So my husband turned 30 yesterday, and while he didn't want to celebrate it (except when it came to presents), that was cool. I was going to write a post on that, but its basically i got him an ipad, (cause I'm the best wife in the world), and a book he wanted, and a DVD that he bought and didn't tell me about, and some $$$ for comics. Best wife in the world right here.
My other friend had a party, and the husband decided that we were going to that.

Anyway, i wrote a post last night while i was lying in bed, on my phone, with one eye needing to be shut, cause otherwise i wouldn't have been able to see anything. And while it was full of misspellings, and in no form will be copied and pasted here, the premise is going to be. (is premise even the right word?!? - i don't even know)

I've realised that I don't really have the ability to talk to males, who I a) don't know (or at least not without a distraction b) males who i think may be attracted to me (again at least not with a distraction c) who I'm attracted to.
Give me a guy who knows I'm not available, a guy i have to work with, or a gay and I'm down. I can have conversations all night long.
But any of the other three, and i will make an excuse, any excuse to either talk about anything apart from myself, (or him) or make an excuse to leave the conversation. Just so i don't have to feel awkward.

I also hate HATE small talk. Or at least with people i don't know. I'd prefer to sit in silence with people i do know.

So anyway, last night, i noticed this guy notice me (please note, this is an option a) and b) issue here, not an option c) issue).
He seemed polite and while he introduced himself, (after a female friend was checking him out), i introduced myself *I'm not rude, gosh* and basically made an excuse to introduce said female friend. Who then said i was married, (no lie and i was thankful) and while i was talking to her about it, *kinda rudely, shut up*, he walked away.

But then later, he came back, and reintroduced himself and basically tried to converse with me, and i *rudely* made an excuse to go (upstairs, but really i just wanted to not be there).

Now, there was nothing wrong with this boy, (from the 5 seconds of conversation i had with him), but i just found it so awkward, that i wanted to do anything to end the awkward.

And i don't know why.
I have this issue with guys that I'm attracted to as well.
I can talk to everyone around them, but one on one, (at least when people are around), pffft. Nothing. Give me any excuse.
I'm 15 again.

It sucks.

And at this time i had had a ton to drink (PS. two litres of Vodka and a litre of Midori were taken to be shared with 4 people. It all was gone which is why I'm home at all), so i can't even say i didn't have dutch courage, (again, is that even the right word?!?)

Like i said, it sucks.


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In other news, apart from that, i had a fantastic night.
I can't even remember the last time i went out drinking (partly trying to save money, partly I'm 50 and i don't like to get shit faced every weekend like other 25 year olds, partly i live in the middle of the city, so i see the drunks and the aftermath of the drunks every weekend).
But my gosh, i had a fantastic night.
I was with people i love (mostly), and while i didn't know some/most of the people, it was fun nonetheless.
AND!!
The best part of all, although i did drink a heck of a lot, and slept a teeny bit, my head is fine, not feeling hung over even a little.
I am a bit thirsty though.

Good times!

Lest We Forget

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

Today is ANZAC day.
And as I'm writing this i can hear the bugle playing at the war memorial that's down the street. Chilling.
I shouldve been down there for the dawn service, but woke too late. Slack.

When i was younger i never really got today or Remembrance day.
I mean I always 'celebrated' them, at school and was made to be silent at home and stuff. But i never really got them.
When i was at school, it was just a time to sit for a minute in kid silence, (which was never silence at all, to be honest, someone always had to cough or sneeze or laugh), even in high school.

But now, i think about all the differences that couldve happened had it not been for those brave men (and women, who although they weren't in the war, they were brave at the home fronts). I think about if it was my dad lost on the Gallipoli beach, or my Pop. Or if it was them who came home and were different.

I don't know if my family had a part in any of the wars to be honest, I've never heard anyone speak about it and I've never asked. i don't know if that would make today any more or less severe for me now. I don't know if it would've made a difference when i was a kid.

I just know that I'm glad that those men (and women) were so brave then, so that i could be who i am now.

And while it will never be enough, I want to thank them.

So Thank You.
Thank You to the Men who fought and are still fighting on the war fields.
Thank You to the Men who fought and are still fighting the demons they got.
Thank You to the Women who stayed and braved those lonely nights, not knowing, hoping and Thank You to the Women who still do that today.
Thank You to the Families who were different after. Thank You for allowing your Fathers, Sons, Brothers bravery to save me, even if it meant a sacrifice to your life.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.
Lest We Forget.

I need a funeral dress.

I'm trying to be secretive on purpose, ps. – While I'm not aware of people I know IRL reading this, it is the internet after all.


I didn’t think that I was at the age where my friends/family were losing theirs.
I don’t want to be at this stage.
But I am.
At least for one of my loves.
We knew it was coming. It had been coming since I met them. Even before I met them.
It wasn’t a surprise.
At least not in the sense that it was coming.
But it had not come yet, so it was kind of a surprise.
Sudden. After not happening for so long.
When you are waiting for something for so long, it’s not expected.
So it was a shock.

I feel terrible for saying this, but it didn’t affect me directly, so I'm not sure how to deal with it.
I'm not a comforter. I don’t have that skill yet. And it’s terrible that I don’t. But I don’t.
I don’t know how I should be acting, cause it’s not direct to me.
I'm being polite and nice, and all the stuff that I think I should do, but I don’t know if I'm doing the right things.
I don’t want to do the wrong things, but I don’t know what they are, so I might.
I'm in the middle.
Being there, but not being there.

I need a funeral dress.

My Dream Home

So, while the Husband and I are renting right now, I eventually want to buy a house, before we start having babies and such.
And when I say buy a house, my dream would be to build a house and live in it forever and have it become a 'family' house like my grandparents house was.
I loved that.

So, here is a list of all the things that I would love love love in my dream house.

~ A Library.
I would LOVE to have a whole room in my house that is just full of books. And comfy chairs or Love Sacs and it will just be wonderful. If i can't have a whole room, i would to have a long long hallway that has a whole wall of bookshelves. Heaven!
(And if i get a wall of books, I'm sure the Husband would want a wall of DVDs, {which we currently are on our way to, by the by} which is acceptable)

~ A Laundry Chute.
I hate laundry. I like putting it in the washer machine/dryer and sometimes I like folding it, but I HATE having to find the laundry and getting it together. If we had a chute i would never need to! Hurrah!
And this leads us onto the next thing.....

~ A Double Storey OR TRI Level house.
I am in love with the idea of a tri level house. In. Love. Not so much three completely separate levels, but say, a few steps just separating the different parts of the house.

~ A pool.
I want a pool. I personally probably wouldn't use it heaps. But I think that pools and backyard gathering go together like nothing else here, so of course its a must.

~ An amazing Kitchen.
I have no idea what makes an amazing kitchen, but family gatherings are always about food, no? :)
(All i really know, is its gonna have an amazing dishwasher.)

~ An {in ground} trampoline.
I love trampolines, and i think they are a must, whether we have kids or not. The in ground part is just safer {read boringer then the 80s one i grew up with}.

~ Ducted air con/heating.
It gets hot here. Real hot.
It also gets cold here. Real cold.

~ Ducted VACUUM Cleaner.
Yes, they have these and they are awesome. Imagine not having to lug a vacuum cleaner around you house, but just have to plug the tubey bit into the wall and away you go. Gonna happen.

~ A (or several) Mural Walls.
I have made one in every place we have lived. Not just photos, but cards, and hospital bands, and invitations, and random things that have drawn my eye. I would love to have one wall covered in Polaroids and another wall with framed photos, and another with random things. When people come over, it/they are my favourite thing to watch them look at, cause of all the wonderfulness. Love.

~ A Buddha shrine (?)
I don't know if 'shrine' is the right word, given who Buddha is and all, but ya know...
I love him. Don't know all the teachings and religion, (i guess?) behind him, but i love him. Currently, have a few including one from Japan, and i would love if he was featured throughout my house.


So far, that's my dream house.
Not a heck of a lot in the grand scheme of things, but the things that i love.
Hopefully, eventually, I'll get to make this dream house and I'll totally invite you round if you re in Sydney (or Melbourne, dunno where it will be to be honest), and I'll cook you something in my amazing kitchen, then you can swim in my pool and jump on my trampoline.
I might even take a photo of you and add it to my wall. :)



Oh, and just FYi, as far as the husband knows, is just that i want to build a house, he has NO idea about all this stuff. Soon enough.....

Bored... With life?

I don't know what it is at the moment. But, I'm bored.
A lot.
With everything.
I go to work and I'm bored.
Not because the work is boring (although sometimes it is).
But because I'm bored with what I'm doing.
I try and distract myself and read the news, but nope.
Halfway through whatever article I read, over it.
I come home and am bored.
I watch some of my favourite tv and I can't watch it without doing something else as well.
And even then, bored.
I'm bored listening to my favourite music.
I'm bored cleaning my house.
I even went shopping the other day.
Shoe shopping.
Bored.
I didn't even end up buying myself any shoes! (and I actually really need them).
I can't even read a whole blog post from my favourite writers!

I just dont know what is wrong with me.

...

Sitting at home alone watching bad tv.
Terrible tv.
Have been all weekend.
Husbands away.
Again.
Its hard.
Boring.
Lonely.
And all the plans I make for myself, things that I can do, will do, want to do, alone, I don't.
Somehow I don't have the time.

It was Mardi Gras weekend this weekend.
Our Mardi Gras isn't like the New Orleans Mardi Gras.
Or at least, I don't think it is.
I haven't investigated it that much.
Let's just assume I'm right.
Even though it was just down the street from my house (literally, I could see the rehersals from my balcony), I didn't go to it.
It was also on tv.
I didn't watch it though.
Well, actually, i did flip the channels and i saw my friend from work on the tv, with her gang.
Famous.
My work had a float in the parade too.
Apparently, it didn't get much airtime.


I've been having trouble at work lately.
I love my job (mostly).
I love my team mates (mostly).
But my boss has been bringing me (and my team) down.
I don't think on purpose.
At least I hope not.
But it hurts and I don't like it.
I know I hardly ever say good things about my job, but some people there, I really really love and basically think of them as family.
The family I had a choice with.


So, that Charlie Sheen is crazy, hey?
Entertaining, and has gorgeous kids, but my gosh.
Next...


This is my new favourite song.
I'm sure my neighbours are probably sick of hearing it.
Im sure my husband will be sick of hearing it when he gets home and updates his iphone, cause i downloaded it too.
Amanda (Fucking) Palmer.
<3



(EDIT: I don't know how to make it so the video is the proper size, so sorry, but listen anyway. Sorry, it looks ugly.)

My TV is broken.
It plays sound, but no picture.
Wait, it plays picture for about a sec and then goes black.
The husband tells me,
"What are we going to do about the TV?"
I think (but don't say even though i really really want to),
"I guess I'll just get to work on my TV fixing skills, shall i?"
sigh.
We have another TV in the bedroom.
I think its enough.
He disagrees.
sigh.


Ps. Its done this before and it fixed itself, so hopefully, hopefully it'll do that again.
I'd rather that, then his choice, which is to go out and buy a new TV right now. Even though its 11.30 at night.
Like i said, sigh.

Dear, Dear, Dear....

Dear followers,
I'm looking to follow more blogs, but i just spent a little while looking and all i found were boat blogs, (boring!) religious blogs (not interested) and mummy blogs (childless).
Help me!

Dear Husband,
When are you going to get home?
I did all the cleaning and washing already, so you have no chores.. ;)

Dear Work,
You are getting boring to me again.
I don't like it when i have to spend all day somewhere bored.

Dear Foxtel,
I have like 100 channels.
Why is it that the best thing on TV right now is "the Real Housewives"?!?

Dear one of my credit cards,
Hurrah!! You are gone!!

Dear a different credit card,
You are a quarter (or what i like to call a quarter) down, get ready to be gone!

Dear another different credit card,
I'm gonna be holding onto you a little while, sorry.

Dear Anyone,
Wanna clean my bedroom?
Its been in its current state for a little while... not a good state.

Dear Wet'n'Wild SYDNEY!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Friend whos baby i saw for the first time in real life recently,
Your baby has a adult face.
Not a baby face.
Its not ugly.
But its definitely not cute.
I'm sorry i mentioned it so much, but it freaked me out.
No, i will not post a photo.
More cause a photo doesn't show the adult face as much.

Little little letters

Dear Work,
I generally love you.
Really.
But for the past 16 days, and the next 6 days, having only two {separate} days off, is just not enough.
Someone please remind me to never do this again.


Dear Little Sisters EX BF,
I hate you.
I hate you for making her cry.
I hate you for lying to her.
I hate you for blaming her for you lying to her.
I hate you for not being a man.
I hope that you realise that you lost a delightful delightful young Lady.


Dear Kelly Cutrone,
I fell a little bit in love with you from this show.
Then i saw you on this show.
Now, I'm watching you on this show...
I love you.
Ps. Don't judge my terrible tv watching habits... trust me, its worse. :)


Dear GREAT Coconut and Lime hand soap,
Thanks for being so delightfully good smelling.
Sorry mum, that you gave it to me for a Christmas present and i forgot about it til now.
{I did try and find a link or a picture but couldn't :( }


Dear HIMYM,
I love you.
I've probably said that before, but i don't care.


Dear Not Always Right,
You make me feel better about talking to stupid people at my job. :)


Dear {slutty} girls whose profile picture on FB is in a bikini,
You don't look good.
And if you did look good, you wouldn't need a picture of yourself in a bikini as your profile picture.

Dear Dad,
Happy 50Th for next weekend.
I hope you have a fantastic time.
I hope that I have made the last 25 years of your life better rather then worse.
I hope you like your present.
Love you.