I need a funeral dress.

I'm trying to be secretive on purpose, ps. – While I'm not aware of people I know IRL reading this, it is the internet after all.


I didn’t think that I was at the age where my friends/family were losing theirs.
I don’t want to be at this stage.
But I am.
At least for one of my loves.
We knew it was coming. It had been coming since I met them. Even before I met them.
It wasn’t a surprise.
At least not in the sense that it was coming.
But it had not come yet, so it was kind of a surprise.
Sudden. After not happening for so long.
When you are waiting for something for so long, it’s not expected.
So it was a shock.

I feel terrible for saying this, but it didn’t affect me directly, so I'm not sure how to deal with it.
I'm not a comforter. I don’t have that skill yet. And it’s terrible that I don’t. But I don’t.
I don’t know how I should be acting, cause it’s not direct to me.
I'm being polite and nice, and all the stuff that I think I should do, but I don’t know if I'm doing the right things.
I don’t want to do the wrong things, but I don’t know what they are, so I might.
I'm in the middle.
Being there, but not being there.

I need a funeral dress.