Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Is it weird that I like to sit in bathrooms?
Like on tiled floors and walls.
And the coldness of it.
It kinda comforts me.

That's what I'm doing now instead of working.
Kinda hiding, kinda self reflecting in the bathroom.
I don't stay when it smells though. Yuck.

Ps. This was posted from my phone, so it's a bit meh. Anyone know any good apps for iPhones for blogger? Much appreciated. : )

by the by, I'm done with my work, hence the hiding. I'm not hiding from the work.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Grinding and Clenching... Don't be dirty!

So I have this thing where if I’m doing something that I have never done before I need reassurance. Like a little more then a little. OK, like a lot. Look, I’m needy alright?
I admit it, so that’s what I am. But only when doing something new or sometimes when I have been doing the same thing over and over and over, and I’m bored and I need motivation. Reassurance is always a good motivation.


So I’m working in a different team recently, (while my team and hard work goes to shit, just FYI), and I’m using systems that I have never used before, doing work I have never done before, with a team I have never worked in before. And I don’t know what the heck I’m doing here.

Now, I’m as modest as they come, I’m great at MY job, ask me a question and I’ll tell you 15 ways to do one things. BUT, you MUST do it MY way otherwise, you will ruin it and I will hate you. Pretty simple, right?

Ask me a question about another department and I’ll be right there giving you opinions, (let’s be honest, they probably won’t be very positive), and they just won’t be as good as me… (Remember that modesty thing I was talking about earlier *wink*)

But this working in another team thing is getting to me. I don’t know if what I am doing is good or bad, cause I get feedback of ‘it’s really good but just change it here….’ in a voice that sounds condescending, but I don’t know.
Am I doing it good enough?

And then even though the other person who is working with me knows what they are doing, today, we (me, the other team person, and our ‘boss’) did something together as a group. Now, to me, that makes it seem like showing me where I have gone wrong.
But they aren’t telling me, here is where you are going wrong, just this is what I mean.

I have no problem with being not good at what I’m doing (wait, I kinda do), but at least tell me where I’m going wrong, so I know what to work on and get better, so you all have less work and follow up to do.

I’m the type of person who if given a deadline and work to do, it is done before then. I may ask questions and confirm junk, but the work will be done. No questions asked, done. That’s just what I am. Now, that’s what I’m doing here. Doing the work and getting through it (I think) faster then they expected, cause come a few hours later, I’m sitting here trying to find work for myself… (Hence while I’m writing this at work).

But I’m also sitting here wondering if I got through it all (and it is now supposed to be another 2 days worth of work) am I doing it right?
Am I doing it proper?
Am I good enough?
If I’m not good enough, will this reflect badly on me, because I’m not doing it right, and I don’t know that I’m not doing it right, cause no one is actually telling me?

I want to do the work that I’m given and I want it to be good. I want to prove the person who said I wasn’t good enough to be in this department that they are wrong. But I also want to be able to tell myself, that yes, I can do this.

Its all so frustrating and I’m sitting here clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth, cause I’m bored and frustrated and trying to hide it all and trying to be as good as I can be with no feedback and giving myself a toothache cause of the grinding and clenching and then taking painkillers and being all drowsy and not wanting to work, but still doing it cause I want it to be good, but then not being sure and going home and not getting any relaxation time cause the pain killers basically knock me out as soon as i get home, but then i don't sleep good, cause they give me wicked bad dreams and I know that I used too many ‘and’s in this sentence but that is how it is being said in my head without a breath in between and now you can see why I’m clenching and grinding, no?

Also, in this role, I don’t understand why I have to write out the same damn thing like 16 times. Seriously, that’s what I'm doing. Writing out processes, but in different ‘levels’. Basically the same thing 16 times. But different.
Have you all ever done that? Its freaking driving me crazy. CRAZY like a loon.

Oh and to follow up on a non whingy subject, this made me smile, (in a non mean way) even though it is very wrong according to the law.

Oh, and if these people (in the link) are like rich, then I hope they get busted, but if its like little old people with the blue hair and old people like, .

Sunday, March 28, 2010


Dear Hare Krishna people,
Your singing always makes me smile. But that doesn't mean I want to be
brainwashed by it all.

Dear school children,
Your singing on a peak hour train, DOES NOT make me smile.
Oh and ps. Being children your supposed to give up your seat when
older people are standing. Learn some gosh darn manners!!

Dear Kings Cross,
I shall miss you. A lot. Tear.

Dear new apartment on the 34th floor,
You kinda scare me. I hope your worth it.

Dear husband,
When we watch a movie at home, i like it to be like the movies. You
know quiet, no phone calls stopping the movie, etc etc. I gave you the
no darkness thing, give me the quiet thing.

Dear tummy,
Stop rumbling, I already fed you tea.

Ps. Sorry for the shortness. :(

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

can anyone tell me

if i take my tongue ring out, how long will the hole take to close up?

I don't wanna take it out, but its bothering me.

But the hole freaks me the hell out!!

Sunday, March 21, 2010


So i don't know if i have posted this before, or if i have just written and then not posted, but i don't know and I'm too lazy to look, (you all should be used to that ;p) so it might just be a double up. Oh well.

I read a blog called, 'Give me back my five bucks'. I have been reading it awhile and i go through stages where i have to read it all the way from the beginning and go all the way through to today, (even re reading posts that i read when i discovered). And Krystal, did a post back in October and i wanted to do the test thing she was talking about. (even though i think i did it back then, hence not being sure whether i posted it or not).

So here is my results:

you are a concerned realist.

about you
you are a realist

Your attention to detail, appreciation of how things function, and awareness of the world around you make you a REALIST.

Routines are reassuring to you—you feel safer and more at ease when sticking with familiar things.

You like to stay close with those around you, seeking comfort from familiar faces.

You are interested in processes—how things work, what they do, and why—not just how things look.

Sometimes you doubt that you can find solutions to problems, although you have a good sense of why things happen, and can use that knowledge to find the best way to do something.

You are down to earth, concerned more with practical, detail-oriented things than with dreamy or ambiguous ideas.

You have a good sense of your abilities and weaknesses, and don't let your ego get in your way.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.

If you want to be different:

Appreciate that your skill set can be useful in many ways; your attention to detail and your familiarity with the inner-workings of things are valuable assets.

Try looking beyond the earthly qualities of things in order to expand your perspective, without losing your grounding in reality.

how you relate to others
you are concerned

Your understanding of others' emotions, your sense of right and wrong, and your skeptical nature make you CONCERNED.

Your observations of your environment, in concert with your clearly defined worldview, leads you to be aware of the feelings of others.

Because you can read people well, and because you can understand their feelings, you are often bothered by others' insensitive behavior.

While you appreciate others' emotional nature, you don't think their emotional concerns should take precedence over their obligations to society.

You prefer to be in smaller groups, as big groups can occasionally get out of hand.

Order and structure are somewhat important to you—you believe that people's feelings are better protected when others are respectful and follow certain societal guidelines.

You tend to share your feelings with a few individuals who are close with you, but otherwise you are a somewhat private person.

If you want to be different:

Let your caring nature allow you to put more trust in people in general—you can have more faith in them without losing your valuable skepticism.

I think it sums me up pretty well..
Anyone disagree?
Right then.

Ps. Look, sorry if this post is just going in circles. My mouth hurts (still! But the chocolates {Milky ways!!} I'm eating probably isn't helping), and its late and i should be sleeping, but its that time of night where my street gets loud, so unless I'm already asleep gotta give it like an hour or so.. Fun times.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


I have a lot of fears.

I don't know if i have more then the normal person or not, cause really who talks about their fears?

Even if a fear is shared, does it really go away? I don't think so, but i thought i would share (some) of my fears.
Hopefully, you all won't think of me as a huge weirdo cause of some of my strange fears.

Just before i start, some of them, are kinda of silly, but i can't help it.
Don't judge.

I fear things i can't see. Like, if I'm on a boat, and i can't see all the way to the bottom of the lake/ocean, i FREAK out. The husband and i went on a paddle boat thing one time when we went to Melbourne. It was half sinking. I cried. Out of fear.

I fear heights. So much so, i couldn't walk across a rope bridge cause it was unstable and so so high.

I fear owing people things. I guess, debt, although, i have a lot of it. But on bills and everything, i have to be in credit, no matter if it leaves me broke.

I fear being alone. I can stand a night alone, or going out in the day alone, but being without family and friends, that scares the shit out of me.

I like to think that i don't fear travel, but i don't know. I mean, i would love to travel around the world and see all the amazing things that are out there, but being so far from everything and everyone i love? That scares me.
Also, i would LOVE to go to Venice, cause i mean, how amazingly beautiful? but then i think about all that water and i freak out even now.

I fear being judged. In my mind, I'm not good enough, so for someone else to say that as well. No way would i be able to - even thinking about that now makes my heart do that roller coaster thing.

I fear not being good enough for my (future) children. I have ideas in my head, that i want to buy a house, if only to give them something stable and theirs.

I fear bath tubs. I know this is silly, but its true. First, baths are gross, you go in dirty and then your water becomes dirty. YOU ARE LYING IN YOUR DIRT IN WATER. YOU ARE NOT REALLY GETTING CLEAN!! But also, we live in apartments, so i have this thing in my head, that with all that weight from the water, it could totally break through the bottom and i will be falling into someones house. Naked. That is scary. (I also, was thinking about this in the shower the other day, and had to get out of there, cause i freaked MYSELF out so much. I'm not normal, i know.)

Sometimes i fear I'm not alone when I'm alone in my house. There was a post in this blog about how a man was coming into her house and was talking to her son and she came home and found him. THAT FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT!! Even though it was so long ago that it was too much looking for the post, it still freaks me out that that could happen to me, even though my building is pretty new, and there is no where to get into my house except the front door.

I fear failure. Sometimes i fear i have depression. I fear boredom. I fear that the mirrors that are on EVERY wall in my bathroom are two mirrors. I fear not being good enough and lowering peoples expectations of me. I fear the thoughts in my head, sometimes. I fear ruining people and things. I fear that to the people that mean a lot to me, i mean nothing. I fear i will do something that my family will disown me. I fear people finding out about this blog and thinking I'm a terrible person, or telling more and more people about it. I fear too much that i can't even write it all here.

How come...

when i have a day off with nothing to do, there are no blogs to read....??
Like I'm all up to date.

Yet i go to bed and when i wake up in the morning, 11 people have posted new things?!?!

Not complaining, but i would have preferred them all yesterday when i was bored, not now, when I'm procrastinating getting ready for work.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Little letters..

Dear work,

Even though I'm doing something different, its still kinda boring... It wasn't for a few days, but now, kinda is...

Dear work x2,

I know and you know, that i deserve more- wait, no, i EARNED more then what you are offering me, and that you will be screwed without me. Get your head out of your arse and do something about it already, or I'm gonna be gone.

Dear Husband,

I'm sorry i have been such a wimp for this whole dentist thing. I know that you need the dentist just as much if not more, and you are in pain as well. I'm sorry, really.

Dear new real estates,

Please PICK ME, PICK ME!! I will be a good tenant and wont break things, AND even if things break, i will just live with it, i wont even bother you with those small details. I really wanna live here.

Dear Mouth,

Just stop hurting. Please. I'm like begging you now. I don't like to cry, and i don't like to take 2 packets of pain killers in just under 72 hours. That's not got to be healthy for me or you, mouth. Lets just be friends. I promise, i will even try not to eat all those sugar filled things i usually eat. I haven't for a little over 72 hours now. AND i WILL brush twice a day.

Dear Dentist/s,

Dentist 1, i know that i hadn't been to the dentist in a long time. I didn't need the lecture. If you weren't so scary, there wouldn't be a problem. I think its just the smell. And the sucker thing. Get rid of them, and you will be sweet.
(Also, if you have yellow teeth, i kinda wont take you serious, BUT if you treat me like a child, i will do almost exactly what you want).

Dentist 2, i really hope that you are nice and not lecture giving and make me not hurt anymore. I will even consider coming back on a regular basis.

Dear Spellcheck in Blogger,

Why don't you have a change all option? When I'm typing, i don't do apostrophes and i spell and NAD almost always. I don't like having to go through each one. Its tiring. AND while I'm talking to you, why don't you change the i's to I's? What kind of spell check are you?!?!

Dear Tyler Conium,

Who are you?
I follow you on twitter, cause i wanted to get updates from both sides about the US/Canada hockey game, but i have NFI who you are. But i know that you have a blog, (which i hadn't looked at til now), and you tweet A LOT. Can anyone tell me?

Oh, and PS. I found that blog that was on Post Secret. It seemed pretty interesting, but she hasn't posted much since she started getting a billion comments saying, found you through post secret, over and over...

Monday, March 15, 2010


So i had a terrible tooth ache yesterday.
So bad that it went up to my eye and my jaw was chattering uncontrollable.
I ended up taking the maximum amount of panadeine plus and the pain was still there.
It was fun.

So when i woke up today and was still pain that husband decided i should go to the dentist.

I HATE THE DENTIST. I hate the smell and the sucking thing and the scraping and EVERYTHING.

So anyway, I'm writing this with half my face numb and even though i feel like I'm drooling i don't think i am, and my tongue is all tingly and i don't like it at all anymore.

I have to go back next week. I want to go back, cause the lady was kinda nice.

But i don't want to be a drop face.

Oh and i had to take out my tongue ring at the dentist. Have you ever tried doing that while your hands AND tongue is shaking and with a numb half a face? Yeah, not easy.

So i went to work yesterday, and was filled to the brim with pain pills. The good stuff. Well, the good stuff i could buy over the counter, cause even though i went to the dentist IN pain, and ALL they did was take an xray, lecture me, and clean my teeth, THAT DID NOTHING ONCE THE NUMBNESS LEFT!! Awesome work there. Just awesome.

Anyway, yesterday, i bought forward my appointment from Thursday week to Monday, which is better.

But then.... I think i took too many pills, cause all it did was make me light headed and kinda shaky... That's not good... And even though i asked my twitter followers:

So apart from maybe dying, ummm, what happens when you take too many pain killers? Light headedness and strange arm feelings? That's me.


Awesome again.

So last night, i was still taking the pills after stopping for a little while, until i felt normal. And nothing. No change in the pain.

I ended up falling asleep on the couch, but then when i woke up (and brushed my teeth for the second time that night :) ) pain again. Lots of pain. Enough pain to make me cry and the husband feel real sorry for me.

Yes, I'm a wimp.

So i ended up waking up at least 4 times in pain, and would get up, take a pill, wait til it worked and then go back to bed.
This morning when i woke up? I had run out of pills. SUCKS.

So i made an appointment with another dentist, so they can actually help me. I want to buy more pain pills, but i didn't like the light headedness, and i hope they don't numb my face today.


Ps. i have already cried from pain this morning.

Sunday, March 14, 2010


A bunch of stuff has been going on in my life at the moment.
So much, that i haven't blogged, just cause i haven't had time to think about what has happened in my day and put it into words.

On the home front, random people have been in my house and i don't know when i will have to move.
Yesterday, the husband noticed a sign out the front of our building about 2 rentals available here. One was fully furnished, (seriously, who the heck wants to use furniture that others have used? Imagine what you do with/on your furniture and using the same as others. Its just gross.), so we skipped that.
But one was not, so we looked. We love our building. I love the area a LOT. I don't want to move, and if an apartment is available in the same building, how much easier would it be to move?!? (yes, laziness plays a major part!;) )
The one we looked at, is bigger then our apartment and $80 more expensive (a week), but looking at the extra space, (and bigger balcony, and convenience), it IS worth it.

Then, we were thinking about travel and how much it costs to get to work, and with the changes with work -keep reading, I'll explain- it will end up costing us more.

We upped our maximum price (not super happy about that was hoping to go lower and have more savings), and found two AMAZING places in the city city, that i would love to live at. More convenient for travel and living, since we go to the city most weekends anyway.

So, we'll have to arrange viewings and get our bond arranged and all fun moving things like that... and then hopefully, we will have a new house in the next month or so.

Oh and PS. I don't think that staying is an option esp if the real estate will be the same. He is a jerk and we don't want to deal with him anymore. Ever.

Now, the work front. Sigh.

Been at my job for almost 6 years. (Rounding up here, it will be 6 years in July). Longer then my boss, his boss and his boss. Longer then a lot of people who are still working here.
I admit, i don't always love my job. Sometimes i HATE it. Sometimes i wake up and don't want to go to work. But doesn't everyone?
My work is moving, as in the people in my department and most of the other departments. We are moving locations and management, i guess? I don't really know if that's what it is, but i don't know if that matters a bunch.

Anyway, in the movement, our job descriptions change. Which mean our pay changes. Which seems like a good thing, right? Nope.
To be honest, i can start again at another company and be on more then what I'm on now AND what i will be on.

And i don't mean to sound ungrateful, cause that's not what it is about.

But compare my 6 (almost) years experience with the two others in my team. These two have been with the company for 2 and 3 years.
They regularly questions policies and processes that they should (in our role) know about.
I am (on more then one occasion) asked to help out our knowledge team to write up processes and clarify the information that they have. I'm currently helping them now.

That's gotta tell you something about my knowledge and experience right?

My wage, got changed to the minimum for my section, the same as the other two in my team.
To me, that tells me that i should start looking for a new job.

So i don't know where i am, or should be at the moment.
I don't know what i want.

I have looked at a complete career change, like a cop or something like that, but firstly, im unfit, so unfit, and second, I'm scared.
I like where i am, I'm comfortable. I don't deal with change well.

So we'll see, where i go.
We'll see if my company thinks I'm worth more.
We'll see if we get the apartment we want.
We'll see if i have to start job searching for serious, again.
We'll see.

The lump loves the worry inside the resident food.