Thursday, March 18, 2010

Fear.

I have a lot of fears.

I don't know if i have more then the normal person or not, cause really who talks about their fears?

Even if a fear is shared, does it really go away? I don't think so, but i thought i would share (some) of my fears.
Hopefully, you all won't think of me as a huge weirdo cause of some of my strange fears.

Just before i start, some of them, are kinda of silly, but i can't help it.
Don't judge.


I fear things i can't see. Like, if I'm on a boat, and i can't see all the way to the bottom of the lake/ocean, i FREAK out. The husband and i went on a paddle boat thing one time when we went to Melbourne. It was half sinking. I cried. Out of fear.

I fear heights. So much so, i couldn't walk across a rope bridge cause it was unstable and so so high.

I fear owing people things. I guess, debt, although, i have a lot of it. But on bills and everything, i have to be in credit, no matter if it leaves me broke.

I fear being alone. I can stand a night alone, or going out in the day alone, but being without family and friends, that scares the shit out of me.

I like to think that i don't fear travel, but i don't know. I mean, i would love to travel around the world and see all the amazing things that are out there, but being so far from everything and everyone i love? That scares me.
Also, i would LOVE to go to Venice, cause i mean, how amazingly beautiful? but then i think about all that water and i freak out even now.

I fear being judged. In my mind, I'm not good enough, so for someone else to say that as well. No way would i be able to - even thinking about that now makes my heart do that roller coaster thing.

I fear not being good enough for my (future) children. I have ideas in my head, that i want to buy a house, if only to give them something stable and theirs.

I fear bath tubs. I know this is silly, but its true. First, baths are gross, you go in dirty and then your water becomes dirty. YOU ARE LYING IN YOUR DIRT IN WATER. YOU ARE NOT REALLY GETTING CLEAN!! But also, we live in apartments, so i have this thing in my head, that with all that weight from the water, it could totally break through the bottom and i will be falling into someones house. Naked. That is scary. (I also, was thinking about this in the shower the other day, and had to get out of there, cause i freaked MYSELF out so much. I'm not normal, i know.)

Sometimes i fear I'm not alone when I'm alone in my house. There was a post in this blog about how a man was coming into her house and was talking to her son and she came home and found him. THAT FREAKED ME THE HELL OUT!! Even though it was so long ago that it was too much looking for the post, it still freaks me out that that could happen to me, even though my building is pretty new, and there is no where to get into my house except the front door.

I fear failure. Sometimes i fear i have depression. I fear boredom. I fear that the mirrors that are on EVERY wall in my bathroom are two mirrors. I fear not being good enough and lowering peoples expectations of me. I fear the thoughts in my head, sometimes. I fear ruining people and things. I fear that to the people that mean a lot to me, i mean nothing. I fear i will do something that my family will disown me. I fear people finding out about this blog and thinking I'm a terrible person, or telling more and more people about it. I fear too much that i can't even write it all here.

1 comment:

EVA said...

I also fear traveling. I find, I fear getting sick as well. Like the embarassing kind of sick..vomiting everywhere, etc.
I think that ties into the traveling fear. Nothing worse than being on an airplane or in a strange person's house to suddenly become embarassingly sick, eh?
This is why I carry Xanax with me in my purse at all times. :D

http://bottleblack.blogspot.com