Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Grinding and Clenching... Don't be dirty!

So I have this thing where if I’m doing something that I have never done before I need reassurance. Like a little more then a little. OK, like a lot. Look, I’m needy alright?
I admit it, so that’s what I am. But only when doing something new or sometimes when I have been doing the same thing over and over and over, and I’m bored and I need motivation. Reassurance is always a good motivation.


So I’m working in a different team recently, (while my team and hard work goes to shit, just FYI), and I’m using systems that I have never used before, doing work I have never done before, with a team I have never worked in before. And I don’t know what the heck I’m doing here.

Now, I’m as modest as they come, I’m great at MY job, ask me a question and I’ll tell you 15 ways to do one things. BUT, you MUST do it MY way otherwise, you will ruin it and I will hate you. Pretty simple, right?

Ask me a question about another department and I’ll be right there giving you opinions, (let’s be honest, they probably won’t be very positive), and they just won’t be as good as me… (Remember that modesty thing I was talking about earlier *wink*)

But this working in another team thing is getting to me. I don’t know if what I am doing is good or bad, cause I get feedback of ‘it’s really good but just change it here….’ in a voice that sounds condescending, but I don’t know.
Am I doing it good enough?

And then even though the other person who is working with me knows what they are doing, today, we (me, the other team person, and our ‘boss’) did something together as a group. Now, to me, that makes it seem like showing me where I have gone wrong.
But they aren’t telling me, here is where you are going wrong, just this is what I mean.

I have no problem with being not good at what I’m doing (wait, I kinda do), but at least tell me where I’m going wrong, so I know what to work on and get better, so you all have less work and follow up to do.

I’m the type of person who if given a deadline and work to do, it is done before then. I may ask questions and confirm junk, but the work will be done. No questions asked, done. That’s just what I am. Now, that’s what I’m doing here. Doing the work and getting through it (I think) faster then they expected, cause come a few hours later, I’m sitting here trying to find work for myself… (Hence while I’m writing this at work).

But I’m also sitting here wondering if I got through it all (and it is now supposed to be another 2 days worth of work) am I doing it right?
Am I doing it proper?
Am I good enough?
If I’m not good enough, will this reflect badly on me, because I’m not doing it right, and I don’t know that I’m not doing it right, cause no one is actually telling me?

I want to do the work that I’m given and I want it to be good. I want to prove the person who said I wasn’t good enough to be in this department that they are wrong. But I also want to be able to tell myself, that yes, I can do this.

Its all so frustrating and I’m sitting here clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth, cause I’m bored and frustrated and trying to hide it all and trying to be as good as I can be with no feedback and giving myself a toothache cause of the grinding and clenching and then taking painkillers and being all drowsy and not wanting to work, but still doing it cause I want it to be good, but then not being sure and going home and not getting any relaxation time cause the pain killers basically knock me out as soon as i get home, but then i don't sleep good, cause they give me wicked bad dreams and I know that I used too many ‘and’s in this sentence but that is how it is being said in my head without a breath in between and now you can see why I’m clenching and grinding, no?

Also, in this role, I don’t understand why I have to write out the same damn thing like 16 times. Seriously, that’s what I'm doing. Writing out processes, but in different ‘levels’. Basically the same thing 16 times. But different.
Have you all ever done that? Its freaking driving me crazy. CRAZY like a loon.

Oh and to follow up on a non whingy subject, this made me smile, (in a non mean way) even though it is very wrong according to the law.


Oh, and if these people (in the link) are like rich, then I hope they get busted, but if its like little old people with the blue hair and old people like, .

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