Sunday, September 6, 2009


I started writing this a little while ago, before my holiday,
but never finished it, so here it is now.

Sometimes i feel guilty for no reason and other times someone says something that while is not meant to be guilt-inducing is.

Here is what happened and i felt so terrible for it.

Myself and my husband, have disposable income, while we use a lot of it to pay off debt (mostly credit card...) and the rest just to waste. We really should be saving for a house or emergency, but we are totally 'Gen Y" so don't.

Anyway, when we do fun stuff, its terribly boring to do just by ourselves, so we usually do it with other people, we usually invite my siblings or his siblings. More mine then his, cause they are younger, (teens) and don't have to think about who is going to look after their kids, (my siblings have none, his siblings have them).

My little sister (and her friend) spent a week of her holidays with us and while we spent a lot of money, we did a lot of fun stuff.

This time, we are planning a trip to the snow and both my brother, sister and sister in law and her kids are coming. Not terribly spesh but still fancy.

Anyway, i missed the point.

We were in the car with my Dad, little sister, husband and myself were in the car. Husband and sister were discussing the trip and were talking about the place we are staying in.

My Dad says, 'when we win the $50 million (lotto), We'll go stay in the deluxe suite'

My little sister, (i think not realising what she was saying), says, 'I think that's where we're staying already'.

Now, i didn't hear this conversation, (or i was just ignoring it cause it was snow related and I'm just a bit blah about the situation, cause I'm only going there to get massages and acupuncture and fun things like that. Who skis nowadays??), but when the husband told me later, i just felt so bad.

I loved my childhood. No matter whether we had money or not, (to tell you the truth, i wouldn't have known the difference), i had a great childhood and i wouldn't swap it for the world.
I know that my Dad did the best he could, and it was more then enough. I look at him and what has done for me and my siblings and i see that he gave us an AWESOME childhood and a great loving family.

It kills me to think that he might have said what he said, cause he thought he hadn't given us enough, or anything like that.
I see him on the weekends getting up at 5.30 (on his days off, ahuh), to take my sister to soccer and my brother to football, and then be my brothers football manager, and then take them both to golf, where he is lucky to have a round himself.

I only spent time with him every second weekend, and half the holidays, when i was younger, (yep, i was part of a divorced and then later a step family), but i know that when i did see him, it was awesome.

Recently, my dad hurt his foot and it made me see him as not the indestructible, giant man i saw him as. That really scares me, i remember when my Pop (his dad) died, and the awful feeling that I went through. I couldn't imagine what he were going through, and i know that i really really dont want to feel like that ever.

I'm sorry that i wasn't brave enough to live at your house on my own, and when my older sister said she didn't want to move up there, i didn't either.

I'm sorry, that as i got older, i wanted to go up to see you less and less, because i wanted to spend more time with my friends.

I'm sorry, now that I'm living with my husband, we spend even less time visiting you.

I'm sorry i didn't have a proper wedding and you didn't get to walk me down the aisle. That's the only thing i regret about my wedding.

Ps. I love how my brother is almost the same person as my dad. Down to how they speak and act.

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